Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Foreign.
[00:00:05] Speaker B: Hello and welcome to the solopreneur Sisterhood podcast. A podcast designed to help heart centered service providers like you build a purposeful, profitable and sustainable business that supports what matters most to you. I'm your host, Becky McCleary, and I am so grateful that you are here.
[00:00:23] Speaker A: Hello and welcome. I am so excited to have you here today. Today we have a guest joining us, Tamara Fluke. Tamara makes feeling confident possible and simple for you. Through her content and coaching, she helps others feel genuinely better, more confident, and enjoy a fun, uncomplicated life. Welcome, Tamara. I am so excited to have you join us here today. I would love to first start by learning more about you. So can you tell us more about what you do and how you got started with this work?
[00:00:56] Speaker C: Yes. And thank you so much for having me today, Becky. I'm flattered. Yes. So I'm originally from Geneva, Switzerland. So I grew up and I learned actually to be a teacher. So I was a teacher. And then I realized that there's so much more we can learn about personal development. You know, how to feel more confident, how to make decisions that we like, how to communicate better, how to fight better, and while being a teacher. So I realized that we can learn much more about personal development. And I started learning life coaching. My mom was already a life coach. It was back then in 2015. Then after that, slowly, slowly, I actually started coaching people more on time management, productivity, weight loss, a lot of dating, which was very entertaining. And then I saw that deep down, it always comes down to confidence. You know what we give ourselves permission to believe, like, about ourselves, if we are worthy enough or not. So this is how I became a confidence coach. And I had the fun in front of it, just for the tagline, for fun also, because I think we take ourselves and our lives very seriously and we can just relax and have much more fun while reaching for anything we want in our life. So this is how I became a fun and confident genie, because you can do and be whatever you want.
[00:02:16] Speaker A: Also, I love that. That's so much fun and I love how you bring the fun into it because I do think even when it comes to confidence, we take ourselves so seriously. And yeah, I think this is a really unique approach and I'm eager to learn more about it.
So let's dive into the whole idea of confidence. So one, how do you define confidence? And then what difference does it make if we feel confident?
[00:02:44] Speaker C: Yes. So confidence to me is really the ability and the willingness to feel any kind of emotion.
Because when you think about It. The worst that can happen always is an emotion. Even grief, that I believe to me is the most horrible emotion on all the buffet of emotions. Grief is, quote, just an emotion. So when we are willing to feel any kind of emotion, it's kind of the idea of nothing can touch us. Like, people can leave us, we can lose a job, but as long as we know that we can handle any emotion that we might feel. I think that this is kind of. Yeah. The secret of the universe. Then you feel on the inside, always at home because, you know, you've got yourself, you have your own back, no matter what life, like, life throws at you. So this is what all. For me, confidence is really based on. Yeah, really the ability and the willingness to feel any kind of emotion in our life.
[00:03:41] Speaker A: That's a beautiful definition.
[00:03:44] Speaker C: It's a different approach now. We never.
[00:03:47] Speaker A: Yeah, you just have me thinking about that. I'm like. I don't think I've ever heard anyone describe it that way, but I really. I really love that approach because I think to me that seems more like this kind of resilience inside us. Whereas I think just for myself, when I think about confidence, it always feels like having to be tough or like, put up a front, almost like I can do anything kind of attitude. And here is more of that inner strength where no matter what happens in our lives, we can figure out the next steps and we can feel however we're feeling and we can keep moving forward. And it feels more authentic to me.
[00:04:28] Speaker C: Yes. And I think from what you're saying, also it makes me think of the idea of we are not our emotions, you know, because sometimes we also. The resilience part, I think the resilience part, it's more from something that is happening to us so we can overcome it. We have the confidence. But to me, it's really also the realization that we are not our emotions. We have emotions. And this is why there is a book actually called Worthy. I don't know if you know it from Jimmy, I forgot her name, but I just read it. And it's interesting how she makes the distinction between confidence and self worth. So self confidence and self worth. And she says that there are a lot of people that have lots of confidence that they believe that they can do something or their confidence in a certain area, you know, of their life, but they don't have so much self worth, which you can define by this unconditional love for yourself. This is how I like to look at it. And from what you said, this is why I think that no matter what's happening in life and that I believe, you know, my coaching, everything that I learn is based on cognitive behavioral therapy that states that our thoughts create our reality, that our life, everything around us is based on what we're thinking. And then we act in the world based on what we're thinking. So our thoughts create our feelings and these feelings drive our actions. And then from this action we create certain results the life that we have. So about this, I just think that it's really interesting how again, the emotions we feel, they are created by what we're thinking, but we are not our thoughts, we are not our emotions. And then we have to self worth that again, no matter what's happening, we find ourselves important, valuable. So this stays intact, if that makes sense. But this is what you built it. This is why I think it should be in the curriculum at school. Because we need to learn it how it works and see how we can build. Like you said, you notice kind of strength, you know, how did you define it? Like this?
Yes. Strengths of like. Yeah. Being like in. Secure in your own body. I don't know how you mentioned it better than I said, if that makes sense. But it's. This is. I think the most important is to really have your own back no matter what's happening. I hope that makes sense. In my head it's really clear.
[00:06:38] Speaker A: Well, I love that idea of having your back no matter what's happening. And I'm also a former teacher. And I think what really struck me is I think a lot of us go into teaching because we want to help kids. And what I realized is, oh, that's not. At least here in the United States, like, that wasn't really how our system was set up. It wasn't really set up to encourage kids or make kids feel good. It was more like we had these set standards and you either lived up to it or you didn't. And so I really struggled with those kids where, yeah, they're struggling, but what's more important is to build them up rather than get A's in every subject. That sort of thing is to help them believe in themselves. So, yes, I completely agree with you. Like, personal development should be taught in schools. And yeah, I think really a lot of us, and this kind of leads into my next question is I think a lot of us, we weren't ever taught to have that confidence in ourselves. I think there's a lot of stuff, even if our parents have the best of intentions, that kind of makes us doubt ourselves or feel like we're not good enough. We can't do this. And we kind of hold ourselves back. So if someone is listening and they're thinking, okay, that, that sounds great, but I just don't feel it right now. Do you have recommendations for how they can start to build that confidence?
[00:07:54] Speaker C: Yes. And I think it goes back to, you know, what you first start saying by that. It's. It seems like a big work, you know, to build this confidence. It looks like work, something that a problem that we have to solve so then we can get to another achievement to something else in our life. But I think that it can also be fun and light also to do in our life. So to answer your question, I think again, very simple, not easy, because we do have some thought patterns. 85%, I think even 90% of what we think daily is repetition from yesterday. Like, it's the same thoughts again that then create the same life. So the simple step to feel 1% more confident, I believe, is to not believe everything we think. We have 60,000 thoughts per day. And the brain is very, very smart. Like, it's a very great tool because it wants to keep us alive. But also our brain's job isn't to make us happy. Our brain's job is to keep us alive. So it is going to offer us the same thought that it believes kept us safe and kept us like. It's not meant for thriving, it's really for surviving. So the thought, for example, you're not going to be able to do this, or it's always the same with you, or what do I coach a lot on? Something must be wrong with you. Yeah, you have a problem. All of these thoughts, the problem is that they pop up in our head. We are not even conscious of them. Most of the time. We are not aware and we believe them. So you just imagine two people walking down the street, one that is believed. Something must be wrong with me and somebody that has the same thought, but just stop it. Which is, as I said, very simple to do, but not easy because the brain is going to keep on, you know, it's kind of neural pathways, I think. And this I will let to all fellow friends that are more scientists, but it's just interesting to see that it's really what we tend to believe. So I think that the first and most simple tip for today is do not believe everything you think. And we have a brain, but it's like the emotions. We have a brain, but we are not our brain. It's not because we think something that it means that it's true. And I have to say that I coach many people. I love so much what I'm doing, but every single day, my brain will offer myself that I have to stop and say to myself, wait a minute. This is just a thought. It wants to keep me alive. And I did build new neural pathways, but the ego, Some part of our brain just wants to keep me alive. So we have to make peace with this part of our brain, which. This is why it takes a bit of work. And you and I can help people to do this faster. But it is really the idea of let's stop believing everything our brain is telling us. In a nutshell.
[00:10:47] Speaker A: I love that. And something that has helped me, and I will say I do this for myself, but also my kids, is pay attention to how you're feeling. Because I know when I first heard this, I'm like, I don't even pay attention to all my thoughts that much. But what I learned, and I can't remember where I learned this from probably multiple sources, is, you know, if you are feeling a certain way and you're tuned in like, wait, I'm suddenly feeling super stressed. And then you ask, what am I thinking about? That will help me see, like, the thoughts that I'm telling my. Like, what I'm telling myself that's causing me to feel stressed. And then I can start to question those thoughts and. And start to, like, kind of rewire things. And I do that with my kids, too, if they're feeling overwhelmed, if they're feeling really down. What are you thinking about right now? Because most likely that's leading to. To your feelings.
[00:11:35] Speaker C: Yeah. And it's so much awareness. You're saying, and like your friend, your friends, your. Sorry, your kids are very lucky to have you. Because I wish I would grow up and I love my parents so much. But growing with this kind of, you know, then you develop it. You make it like it became automatic that you feel bad, for example. And you can ask yourself, why am I feeling like this? But first we have to, you know, separate ourselves from the emotion. Like, I feel angry and say, okay, this is anger. Which, again, I'm quoting on this all day. And there are days that I still get very mad and, you know, lost out of control, but I still see anger. And I say, why do I feel angry? And then what? The answer to this question will be the thoughts that generate these emotions. It's not black and white. I still feel that sometimes we can have emotion. We don't need to analyze it. But this is A part of it that we can actually generate confidence from this point and what you do with your kids also, and helping them actually feel more confident again. I think this is going back to what we started with. And then no matter what they are feeling, they are still in control. And then it builds this confidence that they feel this angry, his anger or his emotion, but they are not his emotion. And this is how. I don't know, you can. You are valuable no matter what you're feeling. You know what? Like, I think it's important for kids. Like, you can talk about this even more. I believe so.
[00:12:51] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:12:52] Speaker A: And I will have a side note there in that my kids are all teenagers right now, so they don't love when I bring this up. But my hope is that someday it will sink in and someday when, you know, when they're older, they're going to be able to kind of stop themselves and. And process their thoughts. So I just wanted to say, yes, I'm trying, but it's not.
Not really a success right now.
[00:13:14] Speaker C: Well, we don't know also, you know, by the way, when we try, you know, I think I'm not a mother myself. But we never know, you know, when the. How it's really building up in someone. Even, you know, as a coach, it's hard also to know then we want also, I think, to have feedback so then we can give ourselves permission to know that we did our best, you know, But I think that it's. Things happen a certain way. But it's interesting you mentioned this. Yes.
[00:13:40] Speaker A: So I love how you talk about how listening more to our intuition also allows us to become the best and most successful versions of ourselves. So can you talk to us more about intuition and this idea of how it can support us?
[00:13:55] Speaker C: Absolutely. Thank you for this great question.
The same as confidence. I think that intuition is so underrated. We are not. I don't remember having an intuition class at school, even just a semester. I think we look very often, no matter what area of our life, we look a lot on the outside for answers to our questions. And I mean, I think it's coming from a good place because I like the idea of you don't have to reinvent the wheel. You know, people already went through this, you know, as an entrepreneur and I built a few businesses, I sold them, so I know how it feels to know that somebody struggles with something in any area of our life. I think it's very helpful. That being said, very often, I believe that our first guest is our best answer. So instead of looking on the outside for any answer. We're looking for no matter. Again, the area of our life, even, you know, relationship, dating, when we believe that it's much more out of our control.
I really believe that we can get advice, we can share a conversation, read about the topic. I love all these books, but that being said, always to filter it back inside to see how it feels, this gut feeling. And I think that this is what you and I can talk about the definition of how does it feel, you know, to listen to your intuition? Actually, I would be curious to hear what you think, first of all, is feeling of an intuition. And if you're in touch with it or if you. I don't know, I'm curious to hear what you. I'm putting you a bit on the spot.
[00:15:25] Speaker A: Yeah. But I love this because we're kind of on the same page. Because I was going to. I was thinking as you were talking, I was like, I could see people listening right now and being like, I don't have intuition. And kind of associating that with like someone who is psychic or to me, they're different.
So intuition is. I just feel like we all have some gut senses, you know, whether it's about people. My. My daughters and I joke that we can be judgy sometimes, but normally our. Our gut instinct about people is. Is correct. But they're like, well, this is like going to be a good friend for my child. Or this. No, keep this kid away from my child. Like, you just have that gut sense of people.
And then for me, as intuition, what was interesting is that I have had times in my life where I feel like I'm making more decisions based on that, and I've kind of drifted away from that. And just last week I was talking with a friend here where we had lost touch for a couple years, and I was. She was saying, oh, it sounds like you're doing a lot of things, like you're really moving forward with things quickly. And I said, yeah, I don't know what shifted with me, but suddenly I'm just, you know, I get an idea and my brain goes, well, what if I tried that and I. I do it? And she said, so you're following your intuition? And I was like, oh, I had not thought of it that way at all.
So I think, I think that is intuition to me is where you are listening to yourself, trusting those ideas that come to you and, yeah, at least listening to them.
[00:16:56] Speaker C: Yes, I love. Also this is why I think it's again, interesting to ask people sometimes they Say I don't know anyone. But what if you would know? Just like, let's take a guess just for the next minute. You know, when people are getting crazy, when it's the same, you know, question. I think it's more. But again, it's also the idea of making it fun to look for this inner voice, you know, because then people will be. Maybe I don't have this intuition. I cannot tap into it. Because I agree that I bring it here to the table as a superpower because I think it will make. It's really related to confidence. Because when you have this intuition, it's like you have this little inside body that you can body like, sorry, my accent, but a friend that actually is always there for you. Like watching, having your back kind of if it's, you know, the universe or it's you. This is more for spiritual. Like people that like that, it's touching them more. But to me, it's really the intuition again. The way to look at it is again from a place of fun, compassion, curiosity. I wonder actually. And to look maybe in the next few days, if suddenly you want to do something, it can be a decision for a restaurant or something. And just try to see if there is a voice or something that is making you more going into this direction. Or it can be at work, it can be. I think that's just the moment we make it fun. It's. It is going to show up a certain way. You know, I believe that also this is a bit on another context. But the quality of our life depends on the quality of the questions that we ask ourselves. I think Tony Robbins says this a lot. And I like the idea of, okay, I'm gonna. But again, from a place of fun. Okay, I wonder how my intuition is going to show up for me today. Like if I can have a fun experiment, which. This is also how I'm coaching people. I believe that the process should be fun. You know, it's not. After this, you're gonna be fixed. Of course not. But it's also the approach of it. Because I want also then people to have tools for the rest of their life to be able to coach themselves so we will face things. So this is why to come back to the intuition. The approach of finding our inner voice should also be light and fun. So this is one way to look at what intuition is for someone. But if you ask them what is it for you? This is the way I think that the most interesting because we have different way to connect to it. And I think we can Also look into the past at a time that we think. Yeah, I had a gut feeling. And try to see, as you said, you know, a time that recently for you, I think just to make it playful, I think, because otherwise people will think again. There's something wrong with me. I cannot tap into my intuition. So the process itself is a great way also to build our confidence.
Yeah, I'm passionate, so I got excited about the topic. But.
[00:19:35] Speaker A: Well, and I love the idea of questions because one thing that was coming up just kind of a memory for me is, you know, if I have a problem I'm working on and I try to sit there and figure it out, I'll feel stuck. But the times in the past where. And it could be the smallest thing, like if I'm thinking, okay, what are some content ideas? And I'll sit there and try to make a list and nothing is coming to me. But if I just ask a question, question, and then I go about my day and you kind of stay open, you kind of plant. I feel like you kind of plant a seed with that question and then the ideas start to come to you. So I know there have been times where, like, I'll keep like a little notebook or something, just so wherever I am, I can jot those ideas down. And I. I've done this with different parts of my business. I mean, personal life too, but thinking about business with a podcast and everything, just, you know, if you're thinking, okay, how can I connect with more clients? And you sit there and you try to figure it out, most likely you're going to get frustrated or even if you go online and try to get ideas from other people, to me, that normally brings me down because I'm looking at other people.
[00:20:39] Speaker C: The comparison.
[00:20:40] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, they're so successful. What's wrong with me?
[00:20:43] Speaker C: I know.
[00:20:44] Speaker A: So I think this is a more fun way to go about coming up with ideas like that.
[00:20:48] Speaker C: Yeah. And I think the brain will offer you again. It's a very efficient tool, but it is going to give you answer to any question you give it. So people that ask themselves, what's wrong with me? Which I used a model to see how again, our thoughts create our emotions that create our action. And most of the time, when we ask ourselves, what's wrong with me? The idea, the thought behind is something is wrong with me, and then we can work out it's playing out in their life. But the question, what's wrong with me? The brain is just going to offer answer that are irrelevant again. But it is going to Tell us because of this, because of that. So, yeah, and there is an idea of. It's not affirmations. They call it affirmations. There is a book about this. I say with the way you ask question, in what way?
For example, somebody that wants to be confident. In what way am I already confident? Or what happened to me that made me confident? But to already give a direction to your brain as to this is already achieved and find evidence for it. Because one cognitive bias shortcut that the brain does every day also is to find proof, evidence for everything we're thinking. So when you ask a question. Sorry, I'm speaking very fast. When you ask a question in with already a direction, your brain will look for answers. But these ones are much more serving us than the one that telling us confirm us. What's wrong with. If I'm asking what's wrong with me, I can list you 10 things, you know, right now. But if I ask myself, like, how. How much fun is it to come on to be on Becky's podcast? I'm going to also find. And so because of this, because of our community, because of this. And so I think, yeah, the idea, I left this idea. I think it's called affirmation. I don't know if you heard about it, but it's really to direct. How is this day going to be good? You know, for example, I love how was this when something bad or like something that happened in a way we did not want to. I always like to ask myself, how is this a gift? How is this an opportunity? Like, what can I learn from this? I'm really into this idea of not things happened for a reason, but how can I turn this to my.
As an opportunity for me?
[00:22:58] Speaker A: Yeah, makes sense. It seems like more of an empowering approach. And I think it all kind of, kind of ties together as far as the confidence and the intuition and kind of directing our brain. And I, I have been doing this with some clients lately where they're coming and they're saying nothing is working. And I was like, okay, well, you're kind of telling your brain nothing is working, and then your brain is looking for evidence that is showing you nothing is working. And so we need to shift the question because if we look at, okay, what is it that I really want to create and then what can I do to support. And when we start to ask those questions, then our brain starts to come up with ideas for how we can direct our attention, different actions we can take, and then it changes how we feel too, because we're taking action that's aligned with what we really want, rather than feeling stuck that nothing's working. So I think this is such a powerful tool. It works definitely in our personal lives, but also in business, because I think a huge part of success in business comes down to your mindset and that confidence and being able to believe in yourself and trust yourself and keep going, even when things get a little rocky along the way. So, thank you so much. I really appreciate you being here and for sharing your expertise with us. I want to be mindful of everyone's time and I know there are going to be listeners who are thinking, I want to learn more. So can you tell us more about how listeners can connect with you?
[00:24:28] Speaker C: Yes. Thank you so much. So, actually I'm coaching.
Not two kinds of people, but I'm coaching in English, but also in American Sign Language, which I believe the second one is less relevant to people listening now. But you never know who knows someone who knows someone. And so I have a blog that I started a long time ago, but now it's just like my website and everything sits there so anyone can come and visit. So it's personal development zone.com so you can just find it in Google, you know, and then you find on my Instagram LinkedIn and stuff like this there. So personaldevelopmentzone.com wonderful.
[00:25:05] Speaker A: And we'll have a link to that in the show notes for this episode too, to make it easy for everyone. Again, thank you so much. It's been wonderful having you here today.
[00:25:12] Speaker C: Thank you so much.
[00:25:13] Speaker B: Vicki, thank you so much for joining us and listening to the solopreneur Sisterhood podcast. I hope this episode has offered you some encouragement, some insight and some new ideas to support you in building a business that works for you. Remember that our world needs you, your gifts, your vision and your work. And I'm cheering you on as you bring your vision to life and build a purposeful, profitable and sustainable, sustainable business that supports what matters most to.
